As a divorce attorney, I pride myself on having saved some marriages
during my 25 years in practice. I would very much like to see
people work things out, if they can. I have come to realize that
if couples try one or more of the following 9 suggestions, they
may be able to keep their relationship from hitting the rocks
in the first place.
1. Delineate “yours,” “mine,” and “ours.” If you have finances that
should be placed in each of these three categories (for example,
you have an inheritance and he has a savings account he
accumulated before the marriage, and you also have a checking
account to which you both contribute), have an upfront conversation
about those assets and what belongs to whom. Moreover, talk about
your time away from “together” activities, like he wants to bowl
with the guys on Tuesday nights and you want to attend your yoga
class on Wednesday. Respect these important delineations.
Doing so will make the relationship stronger.
2. Carve out time to be together. Sure, you’re busy working and
attending meetings, but how important are those things if your
relationship falls apart? Make time to do things together that you
both enjoy. This could be anything from grocery shopping to taking
in a movie. Take regular vacations together — at least a couple of
long weekends and, better yet, a couple of long vacations
(more than a weekend jaunt). Commit to a weekly date night and
make it as unbreakable as that all-important staff meeting at work.
3. Take care of yourself. Spend time every day on your
appearance and your physical well-being. Work out regularly,
eat healthy, and stay fit. Not only will your partner like looking
at you, but you’ll feel better about yourself.
4. Make sure communication goes both ways. Many relationships
fail because of misunderstandings. Effective communication skills
are necessary if your relationship is going to survive. If there is a
hint or vibe that your partner is disconnected or you are unhappy
about something, do not ignore those signals or feelings. Approach
your mate and suggest an open discussion. You may be frustrated,
angry, or hurt and so may he or she, but always stay calm and
reasonable. Your goal should be to resolve differences, and the only
viable way of doing so is through open and direct communication.
5. Criticize gently. Don’t judge too harshly. If you criticize, do so in
the same way you would want others to criticize you. Be kind and
considerate.
6. Never stop courting one another. Gifts, compliments, and a loving
embrace go a long way, especially when they are a surprise. Send
unexpected greeting cards, slap a Post-It note where you know your
mate will find it, keep those flowers coming in a “just because” way.
Treat your partner with the same courtesies you did when you were
dating. A terrific mindset is to pretend you are trying to win your
partner all over again.
7. Keep the flame burning. Keep your romance alive despite the
chaos and craziness life can present from living in the midst of
sheer reality. Resolve to offer up romantic suggestions for your
partner’s pleasure, even if only occasionally, like cooking her favorite
meal when you know she’s had an impossible day, or entice him
into a bubble bath with you just for the fun of it. Little gestures like
these from time to time can ensure that the flame you once had
burns forever.
8. Spell out your terms of endearment. Call out the expectations for
one another in the form of the “terms” of your relationship together.
Put them in a contract, if you like. This contract will simply clarify
and document those needs and wants that mean a lot to you. For
example, though he typically runs late, your agreement might specify
those times when he agrees not to be late; she may agree to keep
her spending at a certain limit, though she typically has little restraint as
she traipses through the mall. Discussing these boundaries, as well as
your needs and wants, can prevent either of you from stepping over the
line and causing irritation. It is often the disappointments
(needs and wants, gone unexpressed) that bring down
a relationship.
9. Renegotiate your contract. Your relationship will evolve, and your
needs and wants will change right along with it. Once a year, it’s a
good idea to review, update, or revise your contract with each
other — whether it is verbal or written. Be mindful, however, not to
allow such a “contract” to ruin your relationship.
